My name is Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I had a hat trick for Ipswich Town during an FA Cup match in 1983 against Manchester United. To this day, Terry Butcher laughs and says it wasn't against Man United and it only happened on the training ground, but that's a lie. Terry Butcher is a liar.
I was trying to find where they sell deaf and mute housekeepers on eBay this morning, but all I saw was article after article about how great Gareth Pale is. Ooo Gareth Pale. The boy didn't play in a win for Spurs until his 200th match or something. Now he has one good season and beats Inter in the Champions League and suddenly he defecates cinnamon candies. As someone who played the game off and on for many years, it takes a lot more than that to impress old Bert. A lot more. Like being English.
If you ask me, Pale still isn't even the best Gareth. That honor goes to Gareth from The Office. I never watched that show until recently when Zinfandel, one of my 18 kids, brought home the DVDs and I thought they were some kind of pornography.
Anyway, a word of advice, Mr. Pale. Stay away from vending machines. Sure, they can make you rich beyond your wildest dreams when you're in a freak accident with one the second time, but the first freak vending machine accident? It'll cost you your big toe and your career. That's what happened to me. And if you ever find yourself mildly craving a chocolate bar, it'll happen to you, too. I'm going to make some toast.
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