Well hello there.
I see you've caught me looking cool like a moderately priced James Dean impersonator while I show Patrice Evra the magic of The Berba in training. Ha-HA! I often have the other Manchester United players coming to me to learn how to be an effortlessly erotic and supremely talented footballer, you know. They'll say, "Berba, please teach us how you score brilliant goals while wearing mayonnaise filled gloves and children's sized shirts." And I'll say, "Ha-HA! Of course, teammate whose name I don't know. Of course." ... Yes, that happens all the time. ... Well, I don't know exactly when, but let's say last week at 3 a.m. ... Please stop asking questions now.
Anyway, as you probably know from following my good fortunes so closely, the Berba-boys beat my old team, Spurs, over the weekend. Ha-HA! There was apparently some controversy after I came off, though. I'm not exactly sure what it was about since I was too busy preparing a celebratory sock full of fish for my friend Chicharito (Little Berba), but I imagine Spurs fans were outraged that Nani scored a goal against them instead of me. He simply doesn't have the intense odor or sensual charms that Spurs fans grew to love about The Berba. ... Shh, shh, shh. Don't trouble your beautiful eyebrows over how much Spurs fans truly love or only vaguely adore The Berba. Let's focus on the party we will have with Little Berba, your top four most attractive friends and my cousin Timitar's collection of donkey statues. Ha-HA!
Oh-OHHH! I just realized that my tiny black shirt is cutting off circulation to my powerful chest! Oh, this is terrible. Oh, I don't think I'll be able to breathe heavily into a telephone in an arousing and not at all creepy way anymore! Please, tear the shirt, plus all the rest of my clothing except for my hat and gloves off of my body in the passionate way you have always wanted! ... Fine. Be that way.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Getty Images
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