Lionel Messi
Hahaha trophies 'n' goals, trophies 'n' goals, I gotta have me more trophies 'n' goals. ... It's so great that I have teammates who don't mind when I beat them to every award. ... Hahaha why does Iniesta hug feel like hurting? ... Scoring hat trick is fun, but finishing my Lego Atlantis playset will be so much better. ... Hahaha why is Andres telling Xavi to "bring the bigger knife"? ... Hahaha they're the best teammates ever...
HRH King Kenny Dalglish
I've made a huge mistake.
Cristiano Ronaldo
Messi sucks.
Didier Drogba
Time for the disgraces. ... First, Chelsea let Aston Villa steal two points from us and then lost to Wolves and when we finally beat Ipswich 7-0 I didn't even get to play. That's a total f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Ryan Babel got in trouble for tweeting a picture and he didn't even call anything a f***ing disgrace on international television. That's a massive f***ing disgrace. ... Then, Kalou tried to make a bet with me where if he scores more goals than I do this season, he gets to rename Kitier Katba "Katou Jr." That's a f***ing disgrace that will never happen. ... Then, I didn't win the Ballon d'Or. That was a disrespectful f***ing disgrace. ... Then, there were those times those two bald referees who probably want to inappropriately tickle Lionel Messi cheated us out of the Champions League. That...that was a...
Photos: AP, Getty
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