I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I avoided disciplinary action from Ipswich Town in 1983 after I wrote "All referees are blind and have crabs" in the snow covered pitch with what may or may not have been my own urine. I told everyone Paul Mariner did it and they believed me. Paul Mariner is a numpty.
Even more than kinky affairs or murdering opponents with horror tackles, footballers are getting in trouble for the dumb stuff they say on this Twitter thing. With all these boring Twitter scandals of late that don't involve sex or violence I decided to see what all the moaning was about. So I had Migraine, one of my 18 kids, help me set up a Bert Tiddle Twitter so I could learn about this nonsense and form a knowledgeable opinion on it. After about five seconds I decided it's stupid.
Migraine tried to tell me that it's fun and you can talk to celebrities on it but I'll just keep mailing them poster-sized photos of my backside, thanks. Migraine then said I just didn't get it, but I reminded him that he's dyslexic and doesn't have any room to talk about not getting things. That shut him up.
Now, I think footballers should be allowed to say whatever they want whenever they want with absolutely no repercussions because I'm not a Nazi, but this Twitter business is awful. If I was a modern day footballer, I wouldn't be spending all my time typing out little messages for people I've never met. These kids have the world by the balls and more money than Zeus and they're telling a bunch of strangers how bad the pundits are and Twittering pictures of referees.
Meanwhile, The Sun has a story about a Premier League footballer who had an orgy with Swedish women in Las Vegas. Now there's a man who's doing something with his life. Footballers should leave the Twitter alone and stick to doing the things that being a footballer allows them to do. Like Swedish women. I'm going to climb a tree.
Photo: Reuters
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