I'm Bert Tiddle and you've never heard of me. I turned down a transfer to Sunderland in 1988 because I knew they would one day go around bad-mouthing players they make millions off of. Also, I was pretty messed up on drugs at the time. Anyway, they were only in the Second Division. The Second Division was for numpties.
Old Bert's had a think about this Darryl Bent to Aston Villa business over the last few days. At first I was convinced he was an idiot for wanting to go to go from a sixth place club to a side that's run by an American and a Frenchman and might get relegated. I even told Harlot, one of my 18 kids, as much before threatening her boyfriend with a garden tool. But then I sat down in front of a Magic Eye poster and realized I was wrong.
The only greedy ones in this thing are the Sunderland boys. They're the ones making £24 million off Darryl Bent. £24 million! Off Darryl Bent! It makes far more sense that they'd want that money than Mr. Bent would want to leave a club in place for a European competition next season so he can risk relegation with Villa. Think about it. And then try and find the dolphin in one of those Magic Eyes because I certainly can't.
Then you have one of my former enemies on the pitch Steve Bruce going around saying, "I look like a retired female golfer and I don't think Darryl Bent is loyal." Shut your head, Bruce. You left the last three clubs you played for before your contract was up, including your beloved Man United. Also, your nose is terrifying. Sort it.
"But Darryl's the one who asked for a transfer," you're probably moaning. Sure. That's what the club said. But when's the last time a football club knew their player wanted to move on before the press did? That's right. I'm going to buy some rose bushes.
Follow Bert on Twitter so he can mock you for doing so.
Photo: Getty Images
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