Well hello there.
I see you've caught me sniffing my mayonnaise filled gloves and thinking about you. Forgive me if I seem a bit dazed, but that's what you, and the mayonnaise gloves, do to me. It's a truly euphoric experience that I would very much like to share with you if you didn't have that taser in your hand. Ha-HA! ... Please don't tase me.
Perhaps you've heard that I haven't been feeling well recently. I had terrible virus that prevented me from scoring goals at erotic will. ... Yes, I might have had it since September, the last time I scored a goal. ... No, I didn't catch it from having unnatural relations with my cousin Timitar's collection of taxidermied woodland creatures. Don't worry about that -- the point is that I am virile and healthy again, which is why I started against Aston Villa alongside my best friend for always, Chicharito a.k.a. Little Berba. Just look at the sexy veins protruding from my forehead. Ha-HA!
No, I don't think the fact that Manchester United only scored two goals after Little Berba and I were substituted off in the 73rd minute means anything about our effectiveness right now. You see, once we sat on the bench and stopped paying attention to the match, we developed an astounding new method of pleasuring Berba-beauties like you using only a feather and Sir Alex Ferguson's eyeglasses. Ha-HA! Here, I'll demonstrate it on you...
Oh-OHHH! I can't believe you tased me for trying to pleasure you! Oh, I thought I would be immune to those things by now but these convulsions are telling me that I most definitely am not! Oh, this is horrible! Oh, I really didn't plan this out properly. I'm blaming this all on Little Berba.
Join us again next time for another chapter in the life of...The Continental...
Photo: Reuters
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