Carlos Tevez is unhappy at Manchester City. He misses his daughters back in Argentina and his relationship with manager Roberto Mancini is in the toilet. So, like Roque Santa Cruz before him, he made a formal transfer request. Man City, however, see this as their highest paid player attempting to strong-arm a contract re-negotiation. The following is a transcript of Tevez's conversation with Man City chief Garry Cook.
Tevez: Mr. Cook, can I talk to you?
Cook: Look, you really can't come to me every time Balotelli says you look like you have rabies, OK?
Tevez: No, it's not that. I was wondering if you reviewed my transfer request yet.
Cook: Oh. Yeah. I did.
Tevez: So what's the club's answer?
Cook: The answer is "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" But with, like, 18 more o's.
Tevez: But Mr. Cook, I really miss my family and they're all the way in Argentina.
Cook: So? We'll fly them over here. Or, better yet, we'll clone them for you. Just provide us with some hair samples and consider it done.
Tevez: That's not the same. I'm just really homesick and I want to leave now.
Cook: Hahaha I laugh at your human emotions and frailties! Hahahahaha!
Tevez: So can I go?
Cook: No! You will stay here with your clone children and score goals until the Sheikh tells you to stop! We put you on a freaking billboard, Carlos. A billboard! Do you understand the sanctity of that?! Also, you're the captain.
Tevez: I just want to be with my family. I will retire if I have to!
Cook: Carlos, tell me something. You're not trying to pull a Rooney right now, are you?
Tevez: A what? I don't, uh, I don't know what that means.
Cook: Are you pretending you want to leave just to get even more money out of the club? Because if you are, I will spank you. I'm not kidding. I will bend you over my knee and spank you like a child. And then, you know, we'll give you more money.
Tevez: Yes! Suddenly I don't miss my family so much anymore! It's a Christmas miracle!
Cook: Good. Now tell Balotelli to stop leaving flaming bags of dog poop outside my front door.
Photo: Getty Images
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