Saturday, December 18, 2010

DT Exclusive: Mike Ashley picks Newcastle's next manager

Chris Hughton brought Newcastle back to the Premier League, won over the devotion of the players and has the club sitting 12th in the table after just a season and a half in charge. Still, owner Mike Ashley sacked him on Monday, shocking players, fans, and every other right thinking person on the planet who cares about such things. Now, Ashley is in the market for a new gaffer with underwhelming names like Alan Pardew, Martin Jol and Alan Curbishley in the mix. The following is a transcript of how we imagine that interview process has gone. 

Ashley: Alright, need a new manager. Someone with better experience than that last guy. Pardew -- what kind of experience do you have? 

Pardew: Well, I've managed Reading, West Ham, Charlton and Southampton. Oh, and I should probably mention that I got dumped from that last job because staff morale was borderline suicidal and I fought with the chairman.

Ashley: Great. That's a lot more experience than my last manager had! Jol, your turn.

Jol: I managed Spurs, followed by a year at HSV and a year and a half at Ajax where I won the Dutch Cup. I actually just left them to pursue this job. And because I wasn't doing so hot this season.

Ashley: Interesting. You also have a giant head. That makes mine look thinner and probably means you have a huge brain. I like that. 

Jol: Thank you?

Ashley: Curbishley -- you have any pizza on you?

Curbishley: On me? No. I don't usually carry pizzas around.

Ashley: Well that's too bad. You can go home now.

[Curbishley leaves, Martin O'Neill enters]

Ashley: O'Neill! You're a good manager with good experience. You want this job? 

O'Neill: I'd be interested. But I'd want control. And a reasonable transfer budget. And you should know that I won't bite my tongue if the boardroom lets me down. And-

Ashley: Get out.

[A pile of cakes in the corner moves]

Ashley: You -- hiding behind Cake Corner. You here for the open position?

Hughton: Uh, certainly. I'd love to have it, sir.

Ashley: What's your name?

Hughton: Chris -- Chris, sir.

Ashley: I don't like that name. You're Dave now. What kind of experience do you have, Dave?

Hughton: Well, I managed Newcastle. Finished first in the Championship last season and had them in 12th place this season. Even beat Arsenal at the Emirates. The players love me, too. 

Ashley: Now that's impressive! How have I never heard of you before, Dave?

Hughton: Gross incompetence?

Ashley: That might be it. You're hired! Jol, you're hired, too. You can just stand next to me and make me look handsome by comparison.

Jol: Fine.

Ashley: Excellent! We need to celebrate. Let's get Curbishley back in here with those pizzas of his.

Photo: Getty Images

Source: http://sports.yahoo.com/soccer/blog/dirty-tackle/post/DT-Exclusive-Mike-Ashley-picks-Newcastle-s-next?urn=sow-292769

Joe Vitale Mitch Wahl Ben Walter Tom Wandell

No comments:

Post a Comment